Back to Life Alex Howard was diagnosed with M.E. just before his sixteenth birthday. After spending two years virtually bed-bound, he began researching numerous treatment programs and eventually found his way back to health and happiness. This is his story. Following several months of experiencing some of the most terrifying symptoms I could ever have imagined, the most debilitating fatigue that just would not go, dizziness so bad I could hardly walk, and muscle pains so paralysing I hardly dared to move, my M.E. diagnosis came as a relief.Finally someone seemed to know what was wrong with me. However, in the next moment I discovered that what I thought was a diagnosis was actually just a label. It was to brand me as different for the next seven years of my life, and to scare all my friends away. Perhaps most terrifyingly of all, it was a label which meant the very doctors whose role I assumed it was to heal me began to view me with at best, confusion, and at other times, disbelief. Hopes dashed repeatedly I wish that seven years later I could write that I found the magic pill that I so desperately searched for. I can't. In fact in some ways I feel more disillusioned than ever with the world of healing. I have had my hopes dashed more times than I care to think about, spent more money than my bank balance could tolerate, and experienced things I would now describe as malpractice. On so many occasions I was offered the latest miracle cure, and being desperate for a recovery I tried virtually all of them. However, thank God I can say that I have a new lease of life now. Without intending to sound corny, my life has been irrevocably transformed for the better. But what worked for me was a hugely individual thing, and I know now, more than ever, how complex recovering from M.E. is. Yet, I do believe that everyone's situation can be improved. My story only holds my answers, but within them I hope there may be some value for others. Prior to developing M.E. towards the end of my GCSE exams, I was in many ways a normal teenager; my three passions were music, playing sport and my girlfriend. My symptoms seemed to come out of nowhere, and it was assumed initially that I just had a virus. When after a few months they had not passed, a number of tests were performed. The test results came back as normal, yet I could hardly make it to the doctor's appointment to get them. I spent the next two years of my life desperately struggling to do a few hours of schoolwork, sleeping and lying on the sofa the rest of the day. At times I could hardly walk, due to my three main symptoms of severe fatigue, dizziness and muscle aches. My friends had long since left me, and I was in the middle of a family war-zone that included alcoholism, anorexia and violence. To be frank, suicide seemed like a better option than my painful existence, from which there was no way of escaping. Even when I did manage to fall asleep, which despite my intense illness was usually a problem, I was plagued by terrifying nightmares. Starting to make changes The next step in my journey is one that I know for some people might sound rather controversial, so I think it's important to make it clear that I know better than anyone that M.E. is categorically a real physical illness.However, I do believe that how we approach a situation is also very important. There is, however, a very real difference between being blamed for something, and being empowered to create change. That said, in my desperation I called my uncle, who had always been on the horizon as an inspiration for me, and told him exactly how I felt (in language that can't be printed!). I believe that the basic map of our lives can be broken down into a number of key defining moments. For me that was one of them. My uncle helped me to realise that it's not the events of our lives that determine our happiness, but the way in which we respond to them. I was helped to realise that I already had a good idea of where to start when it came to changing my situation. For example, by learning to meditate, reading more about the benefits of optimum nutrition, and doing a few minutes' very gentle yoga each day. The problem was more that I wasn't doing these things consistently. As we continued to talk, a shift took place in my beliefs about the possibility for me to create change in my life. I started to realise that those who manifest what they want in life do so by going against the trend and following their own inner compass. My decision to be different, to challenge the medical profession and traditional thinking around M.E., led me to read hundreds of books, and listen to hundreds of hours of audio tapes based around healing on all levels. Despite having missed a whole year and then most of my A-levels, I managed to improve my health to the point where I could just do enough schoolwork to catch up academically, which in time took me to university. In a safer environment and steadily improving (while still resting every afternoon), I soared into the top few percent of students while continuing my recovery from M.E. However, it all started with the smallest steps. What worked for me The first day of my new action plan involved just five minutes of incredibly gentle yoga breathing and a few stretches, thirty minutes meditation (while lying down as I wasn't strong enough to sit up to begin with) and reading a few pages of an inspirational book. It took five more years for my body to recover to the point it is at now, where I can live a normal life. The first thing which I definitely noticed making a difference was meditation, mainly just because it quietened the pain and desperation in my mind for a short time and helped my body get out of the fight or flight response it had become locked in (in fight or flight our body has no energy for healing). It also gave me a certain acceptance of my situation; that is, acceptance in recognising that M.E. was a part of my life for the time being ­ very different to resignation to a life of sickness. My incredibly gentle yoga also helped, essentially because it seemed to bring more oxygen into my body. Removing problem foods from my diet such as sugar, preservatives, wheat and some dairy products also seemed to be of assistance, but treatment of suspected candida (yeast overgrowth) and parasites was of no benefit at this stage. Neither were a number of apparent miracle cures such as aloe vera, co-enzyme Q10 or Bowen therapy (a form of massage). Shifting my perspective However, as I began to notice myself making some improvement, it gave me an incredible sense of achievement ­ I magnified the smallest changes as much as I could, and used them as an impetus to increase my efforts. In conjunction with this new sense of belief there was also a shift, on a level I can only describe as spiritual, which began to take place. I started to believe that my illness might actually have been the best thing to ever happen to me. For some this is a controversial statement, but I can only describe the truth of how I felt. I somehow knew that learning about healing, energy systems, complementary medicine, and the power within us to create change in our lives, was an important part of my life path. To continue to support my shift in perspective I would read books by people who had cured themselves of other apparently incurable illnesses. I started to put a filter at the door of my mind ­ I would only let in things that would support my new belief that I could and would recover. From weird to crazy As I continued to make these changes, the response from those around me was less than supportive. The people I knew at school who already saw me as weird now just thought I was crazy. Many of my family felt threatened by my new way of thinking, and my place in the world consequently became even less certain. I no longer just felt perceived as a chronic malingerer. I was now a malingerer, only capable of walking a few hundred yards, and preaching about the power within us all to realise whatever we want! Not exactly the kind of person accepted by society. Yet, with my focus being the way it was, I refused to let people hold me back. Even when I had a huge relapse at the time of my A-levels, a relapse which had me struggle to lift a knife to my wrist as I contemplated suicide more seriously than ever before, I knew that I just had to hang in there. In some ways it might sound like I believe that it was my psychological approach that cured me. I don't. It was my body that healed itself with the necessary support. I particularly credit regular gentle yoga, nutritional approaches, several complementary therapies, and shifting things on an unconscious level using advanced hypnotherapy and neuro-linguistic programming. However it was the change in perspective that kept me alive long enough for the therapies to work, and stopped my despair and disillusionment from wasting precious energy needed for healing. Open to new ideas When I think about ultimately what made the difference for me, I guess it was my open-mindedness, realising that there would always be more potential treatments that could be of some benefit (reading so many books made me understand just how much incredible information is out there which to many people is unknown) and my belief that nothing happens to us without a larger reason we can benefit and learn from. I also believe that we aren't here on earth simply to be born, get a job, have children, and then die. I believe we are here to accomplish something, and that may be something as profound as learning from M.E. I know that if I hadn't recovered and was still ill in thirty year's time I would continue to search for new treatments and ideas. These days I remain fascinated by the world of healing, especially the integration of ideas from as many different perspectives as possible, and it is in imparting such wisdom that I now spend my professional life. Sharing the best of what I have learnt is not only immensely interesting, it's also incredibly rewarding to try and help save others from the pitfalls that I came across. People sometimes ask me if I believe I could have made the changes I did without the impetus and companion of M.E. Who knows, but it certainly has been an incredible journey!